Why I hide my depression.

In a series of events this past week, I’ve hit the proverbial wall. I’ve made mistakes that were completely my fault, a possible relationship I chose to not pursue, and making people at work hate me or be disappointed. In all this and much more, I feel like a failure.

You see, I struggle with depression everyday, yet I choose to smile and make people laugh rather than have people see me the way I truly am. Because if people saw what I’m like, I’d be truly forever alone.  I know I have it good compared to other people’s situations and I should be thankful, I just can’t. I understand that makes me sound selfish, but is it bad to be selfish every once in a while? I truly do not know how to make myself happy, I know how to make others happy but I’ve ignored myself.

It’s a daily battle that I have to fight, and I once thought that I’ve won… It was short lived.  Everyday I have to remind myself that it could be worse and I can do it.  That I’m actually not a failure, a disappointment or a loser.  All that works right up until I step foot at my job… where I’m called a bitch, asshole, yelled at for no particular reason, turned cold shoulder by other associates, not treated like a human rather a robot, and always failing my boss.  I still question why I chose retail as my profession….

I’ve never really questioned God all that much throughout my walk with Him, well except why the Dinosaurs had to die, are their aliens, the Dodo bird and why I have headaches almost everyday… But besides all of those questions, for my entire relationship I rarely questioned.  That was until about a month ago.  I was told depression is a key factor that a person isn’t truly living for God, that if a person is depressed they are living for themselves and not God.  This spiraled into me questioning my entire relationship, why I haven’t been healed, why I’m still single, why I struggle day in and day out with depression and am I truly His daughter?

You see, this may not be a surprise to many but it’s been my struggle for some time.  I want professional help, but heaven forbid I seek it outside the of the church… Plus, it’s just a step I’m scared to take.  Why? Because it would just be another thing a my list of many that makes me look like a case for, “awe.. poor her.”  I don’t want that.  Which is why I hide my depression behind laughter, sarcasm and smiles.  I want to be normal when I’m not, I want relationships not pity parties, and I want to be free.  I think I will and always be a woman who puts others in front of her, even when I’m hurting.

This may look like I’m wanting attention, it’s actually attention to the fact that whatever life you’ve chosen for yourself, depression can hit anyone.  For those who think Christians are perfect, we are not and for those Christians who think they are in fact perfect….. Please stop shaming other fellow believers, that you think are not in the realm of perfect.

It’s through a core selection of people that I am here and living as best as I can.  These friendships range to knowing people well over ten years to new friends I met just a year ago.  They may or may not have known this information, but each and everyone of my friends has said or done something that made me dig a little deeper and stay strong.  I’m also stronger for not giving in, when it’s so easy to.

I have to know that I will be okay and someday I’ll be even better.

How retail made me the worst person.

Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to a person tell me that they would like to work retail because, “it looks easy”… They even did the hand air quotations! Before I laughed in their face, I stabbed them with a fork. Just kidding, that’s psychic and I’m not their; yet. The thing is, it’s not. Retail is a soul sucking, take all, give me your first born type of job. I didn’t hop and skip my way into retail willingly, I needed a job after my first job shut the doors FOR-EV-ER. I’m still in the business, nine years later and I’ve gotten worse.
Before retail, I saw the good in everybody, no one could do wrong and if they did, I’d like to think they’d get up and do well after. I use to enjoy weekends off, run down hills like Laura Ingalls, pick daisies, enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I do none of those things any more, rather I dislike humans and nurse a glass of whiskey every night. When I began this wondrous journey of retail, I didn’t think I’d still be in it; but alas I am. Nothing surprises me any more, I think the last time I was surprised by what a customer said, was when he came up to me and said; “someone crapped down your aisle.” Sure enough, someone did indeed crap in my aisle… Someone walked and pooped at the same time… Pooped.

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Now I know what you may be thinking; “why doesn’t she get a new job?”  I’ve already tired that avenue, and the problem is simple. I like the company I work for, Shoe Carnival is truly the best company I’ve worked for in my short retail span. Old Navy was meh, even though one manager was slightly crazy and how I found out I was loosing my job with Steve & Berry’s was instead of the company telling us, the company in which we called to fill our vending machines said; “Uh, this store is closing right?….”

Working with great people help that as well. The peeps I work with are a mixed bag of interesting, boss looks just like Simon Pegg and the laugh out loud type.  Plus, let’s be real.. The pay is choice and the benefits for my heath is rad. But it is because of these crazies that I get through my day a little better, mainly because we all agree on one thing… People are the worst.

 

I’ve painfully tired to understand people and why they think it’s okay to leave out 50 shoes,  have the balls to walk up with a smile and say, “I didn’t want those.”  I’ve tired to understand all the stupid jokes they seem to think I’ve never heard before, “my card isn’t scanning…. I guess my shoes are free!” I’ve tired to understand all of the dumb questions I get asked everyday, one in particular is about our BOGO… I guess people forego reading the sign, that’s right in front of their face.   The worst thing someone has ever said to me, (and I’ve told some), was just last year on Thanksgiving day. Lady came up to me with a sad face and said, “I really hate that you all have to work and miss your families.”  Inside my mind exploded with full anger, almost to the point of having aneurysm…

I could go on and on, for those who are friends with me on Facebook get the random status from me on which these random situations happen.  Honestly it’s because of those everyday situations, that I truly do dislike humans. I’m quick to an angry attitude, I’m way to sarcastic for my own good, I’ve perfected the fake laugh, I sigh the minute I hear someone yell, “help!?”, and I look at the people shopping in my store and wonder how on earth they think it’s okay to be rude, messy and lazy.  What has happen to you humans?  Is it because I’m just working in retail,  that automatically makes me garbage? What is it? Why?

Now I can pretty much read your mind while reading this, “man, she must be crap at customer service.”  False.  I may mentally curse and wish death upon all, but outwardly I’ll charm the pants off you.  I will make sure you find the right shoes, you’ll leave satisfied and will want to come back because of that excellent service! (that’s what she said)  Yeah, people will yell at me, tell me I’m an idiot and proceeded to say they should get what they want…  But I’ll always make sure to let you, the customer speak your mind, all the while I’ll make sure to have my mouth slightly open and a ‘bored’ look upon my face. Or maybe this face….

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But once you turn your back…

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On the flip side, every once in a while I will get a sweet, nice and the most loveliest customer ever.  When that does happen I almost want to give them a free pair of shoes and take them out for a steak dinner!  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it seriously makes my day.

In the end retail has changed me, it’s given me talents along the way and I get to be apart of people’s lives I never thought possible.  I’m a black belt at folding shirts (without the shirt folder!), I’ve become friends with a wide variety of people and I’ve taken that next step into my management career.  Yes, retail sucks the life out of me and I’m fairly certain I’ll have to give my first born to Shoe Carnival…  But, I can say with full honesty after all that being said, working retail is the most satisfying way to see how much people has changed over the years and it’s also the kind of job that I love to hate.

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I believe it’s just because…

The end of the week has finally arrived, and even though the weekend is here; I’ll be celebrating that at work. Curse of retail. Blerg. Friday night has been nothing exciting, but it’s my time to relax a bit before going into battle tomorrow with women over thinking on the comfort level of an Asics, but no questioning to heels. To men sitting and waiting, board or just truly confused at which shoe is best for running, “is this a good running shoe?” To which I’ll most likely reply, “no, that is a basketball shoe.” Finally, the kids will run in every direction, demand I give them a quarter to ride on the Mickey ride and lastly one will get hurt and cry. But I digress…

Tonight was spent for the soul purpose of me in my favorite chair, in front of my TV catching up on my favorites; Parks & Rec and Shield, and in complete veg mode.  Which of course brings it all to right now, still in my favorite chair but now Of Monsters and Men is playing in the background, writing said blog and drinking a glass of Elderberry Mead.  Just how I like it, considering my week was good but lead me to think and dwell on actions, words, and insecurities.

Like any other given day of the week, my job is pretty much the same day in and day out.  I usually know what I’ll be doing, what I’ll say, what to move, how to sell.. Blah, blah, blah.  However, Wednesday night brought something new to my daily grind. Three teenagers came in and went straight back to our pop a shot, as usually they get loud but it’s not unusual.  I was walking back to our stockroom and noticed the girl was shooting the ball while the boys stood behind her, one was holding a phone and video taping her… I wish I could say he was videoing her awesome skills, but he was not.  He noticed me right away and moved the phone off her butt, but I noticed, so did she.  I could have walked away, could have.  Walking over, the girl and boy were in a fight over what he videoed, in the midst of their fighting they didn’t noticed me walk up to hear the whole of the conversation.  I waited in silence, until he noticed me. He asked me what I wanted, I told him that he needs to hand her the phone regardless who’s it is, let her watch the video and then delete it.. Like she was asking.  I must have flabbergasted him, because his attitude back to me clearly spoke volumes of me having the gall to even speak to him.
His words back to me were juvenile and thoughtless, but that seems about right of him.  His words didn’t bother me then, but when I was alone and consumed with my own thoughts, they came out to play and wreck havoc in my brain.  His words cut deep, no matter how hard I pushed them out, the cut is still their.  His words to me:

Look. I don’t have to do a thing you say. She’ll be fine, don’t be mad cause no guy wants a fat bitch like you.

I’m not writing this to have people say a ton of nice things, trust me, his unoriginal words are NOT new to me.  I’ve been called worse. This isn’t a ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ post.  My struggle with my insecurities are mine. The problem is, I heard those words to many times to count, and it’s funny that I’m hearing them again.  My life is so good right now, so it’s fitting Beelzebub decides to remind me of my fall into sexual sin; by having me hear the same words that led me into a long struggle, just to mask myself in a lie. I wasn’t there to prove a point.  I was there to help out a girl, who clearly was embarrassed and upset. I know this may not seem like nothing at all, but to see an immature act taking place at a shoe store.. I felt the need to make sure she had someone on her side.  They left of course but not before she came up to me to apologize and say thank you.
The end to this tale, comes in the form of a lady that heard the whole of said conversation.  Her words made it better.  Her words were simple and sweet, words I focused on more.  Her words to me:

That was very kind of you. Women shouldn’t be called that name, but you handled yourself very well, I giggled at what you said back. Thank you, dear.  If I was his mother…. Slap and soap!

Even though that kid was weird, I’m thankful I can rise above it now.  Yeah, it hurts and sucks getting spoken to that way, but in the end what good would it do me to cry over it.  Oh, what I basically said back to him was..

That’s cute.

Last thought.

If you want to make yourself humble, go out to dinner with some fellow co-workers. Order spaghetti, proceed to follow thru with twisting it around your fork, then in a whirlwind you’ll end up with spaghetti all over you. Without even thinking, at how dumb my idea of cutting my spaghetti while still on the fork.. That is how I ended up with sauce and noodles all up on me. Thanks to Travis, he lovingly took a picture.

 

 

Retail.

I’ve worked here for five years.
I work with some cool people.
I deal with customers… Even the ones that yell in my face.
“Hey, there is crap down your aisle..”  That was a sentence I never thought I’d hear.
I know a thing or two about shoes.
I always make sure to find the right shoe for the customer.
I think of your feet, when you might not.
The ‘negative New Balance’ lady is the worst.
It’s a great job.
I run that mic like Rev. Run.. Lolz! No I don’t.
Never a dull moment.
I’ve got a great boss.
I make Men’s Athletic look good.
I’m a Store Manager.
Currently in training for my General Manager Certification.
This is my workspace,  Shoe Carnival.

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Title: Workspace
Date taken: 2.19.14
Camera: Canon Rebel T3