In a series of events this past week, I’ve hit the proverbial wall. I’ve made mistakes that were completely my fault, a possible relationship I chose to not pursue, and making people at work hate me or be disappointed. In all this and much more, I feel like a failure.
You see, I struggle with depression everyday, yet I choose to smile and make people laugh rather than have people see me the way I truly am. Because if people saw what I’m like, I’d be truly forever alone. I know I have it good compared to other people’s situations and I should be thankful, I just can’t. I understand that makes me sound selfish, but is it bad to be selfish every once in a while? I truly do not know how to make myself happy, I know how to make others happy but I’ve ignored myself.
It’s a daily battle that I have to fight, and I once thought that I’ve won… It was short lived. Everyday I have to remind myself that it could be worse and I can do it. That I’m actually not a failure, a disappointment or a loser. All that works right up until I step foot at my job… where I’m called a bitch, asshole, yelled at for no particular reason, turned cold shoulder by other associates, not treated like a human rather a robot, and always failing my boss. I still question why I chose retail as my profession….
I’ve never really questioned God all that much throughout my walk with Him, well except why the Dinosaurs had to die, are their aliens, the Dodo bird and why I have headaches almost everyday… But besides all of those questions, for my entire relationship I rarely questioned. That was until about a month ago. I was told depression is a key factor that a person isn’t truly living for God, that if a person is depressed they are living for themselves and not God. This spiraled into me questioning my entire relationship, why I haven’t been healed, why I’m still single, why I struggle day in and day out with depression and am I truly His daughter?
You see, this may not be a surprise to many but it’s been my struggle for some time. I want professional help, but heaven forbid I seek it outside the of the church… Plus, it’s just a step I’m scared to take. Why? Because it would just be another thing a my list of many that makes me look like a case for, “awe.. poor her.” I don’t want that. Which is why I hide my depression behind laughter, sarcasm and smiles. I want to be normal when I’m not, I want relationships not pity parties, and I want to be free. I think I will and always be a woman who puts others in front of her, even when I’m hurting.
This may look like I’m wanting attention, it’s actually attention to the fact that whatever life you’ve chosen for yourself, depression can hit anyone. For those who think Christians are perfect, we are not and for those Christians who think they are in fact perfect….. Please stop shaming other fellow believers, that you think are not in the realm of perfect.
It’s through a core selection of people that I am here and living as best as I can. These friendships range to knowing people well over ten years to new friends I met just a year ago. They may or may not have known this information, but each and everyone of my friends has said or done something that made me dig a little deeper and stay strong. I’m also stronger for not giving in, when it’s so easy to.
I have to know that I will be okay and someday I’ll be even better.