Why I hide my depression.

In a series of events this past week, I’ve hit the proverbial wall. I’ve made mistakes that were completely my fault, a possible relationship I chose to not pursue, and making people at work hate me or be disappointed. In all this and much more, I feel like a failure.

You see, I struggle with depression everyday, yet I choose to smile and make people laugh rather than have people see me the way I truly am. Because if people saw what I’m like, I’d be truly forever alone.  I know I have it good compared to other people’s situations and I should be thankful, I just can’t. I understand that makes me sound selfish, but is it bad to be selfish every once in a while? I truly do not know how to make myself happy, I know how to make others happy but I’ve ignored myself.

It’s a daily battle that I have to fight, and I once thought that I’ve won… It was short lived.  Everyday I have to remind myself that it could be worse and I can do it.  That I’m actually not a failure, a disappointment or a loser.  All that works right up until I step foot at my job… where I’m called a bitch, asshole, yelled at for no particular reason, turned cold shoulder by other associates, not treated like a human rather a robot, and always failing my boss.  I still question why I chose retail as my profession….

I’ve never really questioned God all that much throughout my walk with Him, well except why the Dinosaurs had to die, are their aliens, the Dodo bird and why I have headaches almost everyday… But besides all of those questions, for my entire relationship I rarely questioned.  That was until about a month ago.  I was told depression is a key factor that a person isn’t truly living for God, that if a person is depressed they are living for themselves and not God.  This spiraled into me questioning my entire relationship, why I haven’t been healed, why I’m still single, why I struggle day in and day out with depression and am I truly His daughter?

You see, this may not be a surprise to many but it’s been my struggle for some time.  I want professional help, but heaven forbid I seek it outside the of the church… Plus, it’s just a step I’m scared to take.  Why? Because it would just be another thing a my list of many that makes me look like a case for, “awe.. poor her.”  I don’t want that.  Which is why I hide my depression behind laughter, sarcasm and smiles.  I want to be normal when I’m not, I want relationships not pity parties, and I want to be free.  I think I will and always be a woman who puts others in front of her, even when I’m hurting.

This may look like I’m wanting attention, it’s actually attention to the fact that whatever life you’ve chosen for yourself, depression can hit anyone.  For those who think Christians are perfect, we are not and for those Christians who think they are in fact perfect….. Please stop shaming other fellow believers, that you think are not in the realm of perfect.

It’s through a core selection of people that I am here and living as best as I can.  These friendships range to knowing people well over ten years to new friends I met just a year ago.  They may or may not have known this information, but each and everyone of my friends has said or done something that made me dig a little deeper and stay strong.  I’m also stronger for not giving in, when it’s so easy to.

I have to know that I will be okay and someday I’ll be even better.

Because Bill.

Living with someone can be a challenge at times; married, roommates or civil union; regardless of your living situation, sometimes a challenge can occur. I for one cannot complain. When Liz moved in with me three years ago, I did not know her at all, it was like a blind date… Well, that “blind date” (because making this even more awkward is a must) turned out very well!  I’ve come to call her friend, we’ve traveled to Scotland, we laugh at dumb things, have some serious conversations, I got her to watch LOST, she got me into Doctor Who (thanks for that), I call her Liz Lemon sometimes.. Regardless if she likes it or not, for her birthday last year I put Nick Cage faces everywhere and last Christmas she retaliated with this..

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If you ever need an alarmingly way to wake up, may I suggest putting Mr. Bean in your shower.

However, one thing stands between us.. It’s not super duper major, but it is alarming.  While watching one of my favorite movies; ‘What About Bob’, Liz quietly watched it with me and then outspokenly said, “I don’t like Bill Murray.. Eck.”

How can one NOT like Bill? I mean… It’s Bill!

She has explained her reasons why she doesn’t like Bill, I have refused to hear her words.  So, what I’m proposing to hopefully some day happen is a meeting between the two.  I keep reading stories of Bill popping up at random places like a bachelor party, going to an ice cream social, sing karaoke and play kick ball .  Bill is everywhere!  I have nothing amazing to persuade Bill into coming to the big city of Wichita, KS.. Maybe some tacos and pie will get him here.  I don’t know.. Regardless, I think it would be humorous if Liz had dinner with Bill Murray, share some conversation, life lessons learned and see the charm that’s Bill.

Also, she doesn’t like the movie What About Bob.  Guess who’s going to get 10 copies of that DVD….  This has become my new mission in life, mainly because Liz will hate it and I’ll get a laugh.  If somehow this makes it across the interweb, I’d like to hope that somehow Bill will see this and come to Wichita.  But if that never happens, which I’m absolutely sure it won’t, Liz gets the pleasure of parking behind my Jeep from time to time… When she does, she gets to see Bill…

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So I have that at least.

So, dearest Bill… Please come to Wichita! Please come to the land of ICT! We promise to make it somewhat less boring. My friend would love it, well maybe not, I’d love it though! Drinks on me! Free drinks Bill, think about it!
Sincerely, Cassie. The Bill fan!

If this does anything, my next mission is Benedict Cumberbatch.. That is, me meeting him.

Our moon.

Saturday night, was spent with my friend viewing The Grand Budapest Hotel and eating at Old Chicago. When I got home, I went out and sat on my roof; this has become a very hippie thing for me to do as of late.  Life is weird at times for me, one minute I’m content, the next I’m ready for a change.  I’ve been thinking of possibilities for my future, sadly they just give me a headache.   In the midst of my over thinking, I looked up and saw the moon shining bright.  Taking advantage of it, I hopped back inside, grabbed my camera and begun the longest two hours I’ve ever spent behind a camera.  I tinkered,  kept my patience and finally got a shot of the moon that I’m happy about!

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