How retail made me the worst person.

Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to a person tell me that they would like to work retail because, “it looks easy”… They even did the hand air quotations! Before I laughed in their face, I stabbed them with a fork. Just kidding, that’s psychic and I’m not their; yet. The thing is, it’s not. Retail is a soul sucking, take all, give me your first born type of job. I didn’t hop and skip my way into retail willingly, I needed a job after my first job shut the doors FOR-EV-ER. I’m still in the business, nine years later and I’ve gotten worse.
Before retail, I saw the good in everybody, no one could do wrong and if they did, I’d like to think they’d get up and do well after. I use to enjoy weekends off, run down hills like Laura Ingalls, pick daisies, enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I do none of those things any more, rather I dislike humans and nurse a glass of whiskey every night. When I began this wondrous journey of retail, I didn’t think I’d still be in it; but alas I am. Nothing surprises me any more, I think the last time I was surprised by what a customer said, was when he came up to me and said; “someone crapped down your aisle.” Sure enough, someone did indeed crap in my aisle… Someone walked and pooped at the same time… Pooped.

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Now I know what you may be thinking; “why doesn’t she get a new job?”  I’ve already tired that avenue, and the problem is simple. I like the company I work for, Shoe Carnival is truly the best company I’ve worked for in my short retail span. Old Navy was meh, even though one manager was slightly crazy and how I found out I was loosing my job with Steve & Berry’s was instead of the company telling us, the company in which we called to fill our vending machines said; “Uh, this store is closing right?….”

Working with great people help that as well. The peeps I work with are a mixed bag of interesting, boss looks just like Simon Pegg and the laugh out loud type.  Plus, let’s be real.. The pay is choice and the benefits for my heath is rad. But it is because of these crazies that I get through my day a little better, mainly because we all agree on one thing… People are the worst.

 

I’ve painfully tired to understand people and why they think it’s okay to leave out 50 shoes,  have the balls to walk up with a smile and say, “I didn’t want those.”  I’ve tired to understand all the stupid jokes they seem to think I’ve never heard before, “my card isn’t scanning…. I guess my shoes are free!” I’ve tired to understand all of the dumb questions I get asked everyday, one in particular is about our BOGO… I guess people forego reading the sign, that’s right in front of their face.   The worst thing someone has ever said to me, (and I’ve told some), was just last year on Thanksgiving day. Lady came up to me with a sad face and said, “I really hate that you all have to work and miss your families.”  Inside my mind exploded with full anger, almost to the point of having aneurysm…

I could go on and on, for those who are friends with me on Facebook get the random status from me on which these random situations happen.  Honestly it’s because of those everyday situations, that I truly do dislike humans. I’m quick to an angry attitude, I’m way to sarcastic for my own good, I’ve perfected the fake laugh, I sigh the minute I hear someone yell, “help!?”, and I look at the people shopping in my store and wonder how on earth they think it’s okay to be rude, messy and lazy.  What has happen to you humans?  Is it because I’m just working in retail,  that automatically makes me garbage? What is it? Why?

Now I can pretty much read your mind while reading this, “man, she must be crap at customer service.”  False.  I may mentally curse and wish death upon all, but outwardly I’ll charm the pants off you.  I will make sure you find the right shoes, you’ll leave satisfied and will want to come back because of that excellent service! (that’s what she said)  Yeah, people will yell at me, tell me I’m an idiot and proceeded to say they should get what they want…  But I’ll always make sure to let you, the customer speak your mind, all the while I’ll make sure to have my mouth slightly open and a ‘bored’ look upon my face. Or maybe this face….

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But once you turn your back…

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On the flip side, every once in a while I will get a sweet, nice and the most loveliest customer ever.  When that does happen I almost want to give them a free pair of shoes and take them out for a steak dinner!  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it seriously makes my day.

In the end retail has changed me, it’s given me talents along the way and I get to be apart of people’s lives I never thought possible.  I’m a black belt at folding shirts (without the shirt folder!), I’ve become friends with a wide variety of people and I’ve taken that next step into my management career.  Yes, retail sucks the life out of me and I’m fairly certain I’ll have to give my first born to Shoe Carnival…  But, I can say with full honesty after all that being said, working retail is the most satisfying way to see how much people has changed over the years and it’s also the kind of job that I love to hate.

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Hippie weirdo.

A strange occurrence happened in Kansas, we had a spring! It was a tiny one, granted, but I’m still counting it and yet that didn’t stop the blasted, hateful, annoying, and worst hair stylist trademark of my state… The wind.   Even though a mighty wind was a blowin’, I took any opportunity to go out and walk around a park or find a new one! Literally, I found one, that I’m pretty sure your not to go to.. Ah well, have to find some kind of adventure in Wichita.

On one such walk, I went to a park/disc golf course that is very close to my house. If your not a local, mind your head.. If you are a local,  make sure to know who threw their disc in the most whimsical way possible.  After one hit me square on the head, that seemingly came from the sky, I yelled: “OUCH!” Soon followed by, (thanks to Jeff Goldblum in Life Aquatic): “I’m so pissed, I want to spit.”  All the things I wanted to say soon vanished, when out comes a little boy from behind a tree saying sorry over and over. I couldn’t stay mad, but my head was angry the rest of my walk.  Continuing my little walk through the little path, I took pictures here and there.  While taking a picture of some leafs, a group of high school boys were walking up towards me.  Basically I knew what was going to happen next…

Boy: “Hey you hippie weirdo. What do you think your doing?”

His friends laugh.

I just thought, much like my quote from Life Aquatic, he just took something Louis C.K once said in a joke. So.. Not original.

Me: “Um.. It’s kind of obvious, isn’t it. I have a camera in my hand and I’m taking a picture…How does that exactly make me a ‘hippie weirdo’?”
Boy: “Yeah, well your taking a picture of some dumb leafs.”
Me: “Good come back , man.”

He and his friends laugh, high five and then walk away. It’s adorable.

Here are some of my hippie weirdo photos I took. Hope you enjoy.

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A short story.

Thomas.
By. Cassie Stephens

Downtown is the heart of any city, busy and full of life. As a photographer it’s where you end up. There, you’ll always get that one picture that captures this small Midwestern town. Like I mentioned it’s where you end up and as do I almost everyday. I walk the same sidewalk on the right side. Everyday right in front of that old thrift store sits a man on a bench, just staring out towards the street like he’s waiting on something. After seeing this day after day I finally got the courage to go over to him. What I didn’t expect was for him to tell me his life story.

“Sir? Excuse me sir, may I sit here?”
After a long pause he finally talked never looking in my direction. “Why are you asking me? It’s the city’s.”
“You have a point, but I just wanted to ask if that’s alright with you.”
Smiling he said, “It’s alright.” Looking in the same direction like he always does he continued, “I’ve seen you out here before, but you usually have a camera. What happened? All out of ideas or do you have something else in store?”

I sat there in silence looking at him while he still continued to look in the other direction, nothing changed for him I thought. No matter who talks to him or what distracts him, he will never stop staring in the direction of the street.

“Well sir….”
“Thomas, my name is Thomas. You can stop with this sir business.”
“Okay… Thomas I always see you sitting here and wondered why.”
Chuckling a little bit he smiled from the side of his face. “Waiting.”

“May I ask on what?”
Finally turning to look at me he gave me this look like I should have known already. Looking into his eyes for the first time scared me. They were haunting and dark. What seemed like hours of just us staring at one another, he turned back around muttering, “My ride.”
Confused by his answer I pressed on, “Your ride? So you’re waiting for your ride…From whom?”
“What is your name?” he asked, ignoring my question completely.
“Julie.”
“Well Julie, you may know this but I’m homeless. I have nothing to hope for, gave that up years ago. What hope I have left resigns in a ride that I have been waiting for…”
He paused for a minute and I stayed quiet giving him time to collect his thoughts.
“Nearly twenty years now. Sitting and waiting, growing old, rain or shine…”
He kept talking but I didn’t understand him, he mumbled and talked quietly after that. But it didn’t add up. How can one wait on something for twenty years? He didn’t look that old.
“I’m seventy by the way.” And it appears he can also read minds.
“Why have you waited for so long? I mean whoever you’re waiting for isn’t coming back.”
“Yes they will!” Getting upset he continued. “A promise is a promise. She said she would come back!”
“So you’re waiting on a she? Well one mystery solved.” Ignoring my last comment he asked for the time, I told him it was seven o’ clock. He got up and stared to walk off.
Getting up too I asked, “Where are you going?”
“Home” was all he said and continued to walk off.

The next day I went back to the bench to finish my conversation with Thomas. The bench was empty. I did this for a week and the result was the same. Going back the next day I hoped he would be there. Turning the corner on the sidewalk I looked up and like he’d never left sat Thomas. Growing with excitement I walked towards him and without saying a word to him I sat down next to him.

“What, not asking now?”
“It’s the city’s.”
Smirking he said, “Right you are.” We didn’t talk for a while, a part of me wanted to ask where he was but I also had the feeling he knew I was going to ask it. Still I wanted to know.
“So… Where were you last week?”
“The she I was referring to last week is my wife, Ellie is her name. We met at a barn dance in Arkansas. I fell in love with her that night, one beautiful lady.”
“That’s sweet Thomas, and do you have a habit of ignoring my questions? Or is that just me?”
“Just you Julie, I never ignore just some things are better left unsaid.” Glancing at me for a moment he turned around again looking the opposite way. I just sat there in silence remembering his eyes again, they no longer scared me.

“We married the next month, yes we were in a hurry but in love. Also very young…Sixteen. All a blur now, but we had five kids, three boys two girls. Beautiful children. All got her good looks.” Saying with a proud smile across his face he continued. “We lived in Benton Arkansas forever, perfect spot for fishing. I love fishing, do you?”
Not letting me answer he kept talking like I wasn’t even there. “That’s how he died, my oldest son Thomas Jr. he fell in the lake, such a wonderful boy…But horrible swimmer. Never got around to teach him, I went in after him but it was to late. He was ten. That left Ellie depressed for a while, so we moved away to here. And here is where we stayed.” Thinking that would be all he sucked in a breath and went on, never once looking at me. “Ellie got better over time and we were happy, good jobs and good kids. Never once did they get in trouble. Ellie found God a little later… Have you found God?”
I was so transfixed on his story looking out into the street I didn’t know he even asked me a question. Shaken from my stare I looked over at him and he was staring at me and started to ask again. Before he could finish his question again I answered.
“Yes I have.”

Still looking at me he smiled and his eyes changed. They no longer were dark but sad. “Good. Good for you, I’m still looking for Him, but I think I’m close. I wish I could find Him right now and ask one question. Why did you let my little girl die?” Still looking at me I noticed after he said that a single tear rolled down his cheek. Wiping his face he turned his face away from me and I wanted to tell him not to blame God, but he started talking again. “Ellie never got depressed or mad. She never questioned God like I did, she knew Mary was going to be okay and pain free. Mary my youngest got sick one year with some fever, never got better just dying everyday.” At this more tears were going down his face. Wiping them away with his dirty hands he sucked in another breath. “Hell, maybe she is better off.”

The rest of that afternoon I heard his life story. How his other kids grew up, went to college, got married and how he himself is a proud grandfather. But one thing still puzzled me. What happened to his wife? Throughout his entire story he never mentioned how or what happened to her, I even tried to ask him once in a while. Yet all he said was she was coming for him, which then led to other questions in my head. Did she leave him? How did he become homeless? Is he crazy? But the answers to my questions would have to wait. It was getting late, I got up to leave and turned to Thomas.
“Well thank you for a lovely day of story telling, maybe I can hear more later?” Waiting for a response from him lead to minutes felt like hours at times. Never turning towards me just kept on staring out into that same direction, he never said anything to me. Growing impatient I finally spoke.
“Okay then, have a good night see you later.”

As I turned to walk towards my car I could have sworn I heard him mumble something, but I’ll never know what. Life for me got pretty busy after that day. New job and new responsibilities kept me from going back to the corner bench, to see Thomas. A month later I went back to his spot to see if he was there, he wasn’t. Walking over I sat down and just stared in the same direction he always did when I met him. I sat there silent and looking on as the time passed, I don’t know how long I sat there till I heard someone from behind me asked if they could sit down.
“It’s the city’s, why are you asking me?” I replied dryly without looking at the person.
“My husband said the same thing.”
“What?!?” Turning to look at the person sat a very beautiful woman. She looked content with life, aging very well and her eyes spoke for her at times.
“Your husband?” I finally said after staring at her.
“Yes dear, my husband. You act as if that is impossible.” She said smirking.
“Well actually I do because I met a guy…”
“Thomas?” Asking me but she knew the answer already, so she continued.
“Thomas, a great man. Died too young though, been twenty years now.”
Shocked by her statement I didn’t believe it, I just saw him last month! Asking her nicely if we were talking about the same man, she simply replied with a yes. Getting upset I went on.

“Ma’am I mean absolutely no disrespect to you, but last month I saw him, there is no way he is dead! In fact he has been waiting for you! How come you never came back? Where did you go anyway? Assuming you are in fact the real wife of Thomas!” Stopping finally to catch my breath, I looked over at the woman. She sat there staring at me and started to smile. Giving me a wink she began to talk.

“Thomas my husband was a brilliant man, he would be 70. He would do anything for anybody, pleasant and caring also very stubborn. But when our first child died, something inside him died that day too. Years later when our youngest died, he went with her. I knew a better plan was going to happen to me and the rest of our children. I’m Ellie by the way…”
“So wait…You’re really Ellie? The same Ellie Thomas was telling me about just last month. So you’re lying to me because how could he have possibly told me if he was dead.”

Anger was growing inside my body to the point of me starting to shake, how could this lady just come up to me and tell me some lie. Not wanting to hear anymore I started to get up to leave, but she reached out and lightly grabbed my hand. Looking down, her eyes calmed me, I then felt something I haven’t felt in years, peace and trust.

“My dear you didn’t let me finish, may I finish my story so you will better understand?”
Sitting back down I nodded my head. Still holding onto my hand she continued looking at me.
“Our story continues, everything he told you is what he knows. You see he did die, actually we all died a week after our youngest died, car accident. But he was so stubborn and my children and I knew God, so now he thinks we are coming to get him. When in fact we are waiting for him.” Signing she looked away from me for a moment.

I was confused, I’m sure my faced showed it. No longer able to stay silent I asked the one question anyone else would have asked.
“So does this mean I’ve been talking to a ghost and now another?
Smirking she turned her head to look at me again.
“Sweetheart you’re talking to me because you’re stubborn too. You’re like Thomas..”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m not following you. How can I be like Thomas?”
“You didn’t let me finish again. You have a thing for that. My dear, you are dead too.”

Letting go of her hand I stood up quickly. I wasn’t scared just shocked, looking down at Ellie she gave me a comforting smile. She stood to looking in the distance, and began to speak.
“So tell me, who are you waiting for?”

 

Our moon.

Saturday night, was spent with my friend viewing The Grand Budapest Hotel and eating at Old Chicago. When I got home, I went out and sat on my roof; this has become a very hippie thing for me to do as of late.  Life is weird at times for me, one minute I’m content, the next I’m ready for a change.  I’ve been thinking of possibilities for my future, sadly they just give me a headache.   In the midst of my over thinking, I looked up and saw the moon shining bright.  Taking advantage of it, I hopped back inside, grabbed my camera and begun the longest two hours I’ve ever spent behind a camera.  I tinkered,  kept my patience and finally got a shot of the moon that I’m happy about!

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I believe it’s just because…

The end of the week has finally arrived, and even though the weekend is here; I’ll be celebrating that at work. Curse of retail. Blerg. Friday night has been nothing exciting, but it’s my time to relax a bit before going into battle tomorrow with women over thinking on the comfort level of an Asics, but no questioning to heels. To men sitting and waiting, board or just truly confused at which shoe is best for running, “is this a good running shoe?” To which I’ll most likely reply, “no, that is a basketball shoe.” Finally, the kids will run in every direction, demand I give them a quarter to ride on the Mickey ride and lastly one will get hurt and cry. But I digress…

Tonight was spent for the soul purpose of me in my favorite chair, in front of my TV catching up on my favorites; Parks & Rec and Shield, and in complete veg mode.  Which of course brings it all to right now, still in my favorite chair but now Of Monsters and Men is playing in the background, writing said blog and drinking a glass of Elderberry Mead.  Just how I like it, considering my week was good but lead me to think and dwell on actions, words, and insecurities.

Like any other given day of the week, my job is pretty much the same day in and day out.  I usually know what I’ll be doing, what I’ll say, what to move, how to sell.. Blah, blah, blah.  However, Wednesday night brought something new to my daily grind. Three teenagers came in and went straight back to our pop a shot, as usually they get loud but it’s not unusual.  I was walking back to our stockroom and noticed the girl was shooting the ball while the boys stood behind her, one was holding a phone and video taping her… I wish I could say he was videoing her awesome skills, but he was not.  He noticed me right away and moved the phone off her butt, but I noticed, so did she.  I could have walked away, could have.  Walking over, the girl and boy were in a fight over what he videoed, in the midst of their fighting they didn’t noticed me walk up to hear the whole of the conversation.  I waited in silence, until he noticed me. He asked me what I wanted, I told him that he needs to hand her the phone regardless who’s it is, let her watch the video and then delete it.. Like she was asking.  I must have flabbergasted him, because his attitude back to me clearly spoke volumes of me having the gall to even speak to him.
His words back to me were juvenile and thoughtless, but that seems about right of him.  His words didn’t bother me then, but when I was alone and consumed with my own thoughts, they came out to play and wreck havoc in my brain.  His words cut deep, no matter how hard I pushed them out, the cut is still their.  His words to me:

Look. I don’t have to do a thing you say. She’ll be fine, don’t be mad cause no guy wants a fat bitch like you.

I’m not writing this to have people say a ton of nice things, trust me, his unoriginal words are NOT new to me.  I’ve been called worse. This isn’t a ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ post.  My struggle with my insecurities are mine. The problem is, I heard those words to many times to count, and it’s funny that I’m hearing them again.  My life is so good right now, so it’s fitting Beelzebub decides to remind me of my fall into sexual sin; by having me hear the same words that led me into a long struggle, just to mask myself in a lie. I wasn’t there to prove a point.  I was there to help out a girl, who clearly was embarrassed and upset. I know this may not seem like nothing at all, but to see an immature act taking place at a shoe store.. I felt the need to make sure she had someone on her side.  They left of course but not before she came up to me to apologize and say thank you.
The end to this tale, comes in the form of a lady that heard the whole of said conversation.  Her words made it better.  Her words were simple and sweet, words I focused on more.  Her words to me:

That was very kind of you. Women shouldn’t be called that name, but you handled yourself very well, I giggled at what you said back. Thank you, dear.  If I was his mother…. Slap and soap!

Even though that kid was weird, I’m thankful I can rise above it now.  Yeah, it hurts and sucks getting spoken to that way, but in the end what good would it do me to cry over it.  Oh, what I basically said back to him was..

That’s cute.

Last thought.

If you want to make yourself humble, go out to dinner with some fellow co-workers. Order spaghetti, proceed to follow thru with twisting it around your fork, then in a whirlwind you’ll end up with spaghetti all over you. Without even thinking, at how dumb my idea of cutting my spaghetti while still on the fork.. That is how I ended up with sauce and noodles all up on me. Thanks to Travis, he lovingly took a picture.

 

 

My hometown.

Last week, I went to take some photos of my hometown’s skyline for a friend. That just led to more photo taking of things I’ve taken many times before. Though I’ve taken the same shots before, It’s kinda cool to see the changes in how I take them now.

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I’m not big on taking pictures of animals.. But I didn’t see this goose, it scared me.

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My Saturday.

The last two days I’ve distracted my over productive mind with a friends wedding and photography. Today it was spent by reading, prayer and Jesus.  I needed that. To say I’m doing okay would be a lie, in fact I’m not doing so good. Would prefer to not go into any details, it’s something that I must hold my head high and whatever the outcome, I MUST trust Jesus has something better in the works for me.  It’s silly, but since I’m a female and burdened with blasted emotions, the way I deal with it is distractions, crying, and ice cream.  That has been my weekend.

But enough of my ramblings… Onward and upward to how I spent my Saturday.  I had no particular place in mind, I just knew that I wanted to go back out into the country to get some shots.  Now, for a time I grew tired of taking pictures of the country because I felt as though that was all I took. Getting back out there, in the middle of nowhere was good, plus the sudden rain fall was an added bonus! I took back roads, going deeper and deeper to the point of getting completely lost.  I did find my way home, but it was tricky… Mainly because small town people are helpful, but can be creepy as well.  Look, I’ve been to small towns… But this town was so small that the gas station I stopped at still had food from 2001, no doors for the stalls in the bathroom.. In fact no door going into the bathroom at all and lastly when I went up to pay for my drink, the guy asked me: “You’re not from here, are you?”  I simply told him no and I had to ask him how he figured that out.  “Your Jeep. People here don’t have black rims.” That actually surprised me.. Considering I was wearing my bright pink pants.

I posted this photo on Instagram and Facebook with the caption: “To go down creepy road… Or not.”

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I did go down that road and I saw the coolest abandoned house ever. For me, a dream! I love old houses lost in nature. I was in the process of walking up to it, when I heard a gun being shot off.  A man came out of nowhere, holding a shotgun and asking what I was doing on his property.  I, as calmly as I could, explained that I was taking pictures and didn’t see a ‘no trespassing’ sign. He told me to walk around the front, I did and that is where I saw his sign…

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I apologized over and over and left as fast as possible.  Even though I was still slightly scared of country folk poppin’ outta bushes, I continued taking pictures. Here is my take on the country I saw yesterday.

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When I finally got off the back roads, and found an old highway to lead me home, I captured more.  Kansas may be flat, but she’s my home and their is beauty within her flat lands.

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And this.. Which is gross.  But, it made for a cool shot.

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